Are You There, God? It's Me, Mary Margaret
by Whammy
Summary: In which Mary Margaret gets real with God. "Is my whole family gay?" CRACK FIC! Mentions of Swan Queen, Captain Charming, and Panry.


Mary Margaret is abouts to get real with the man upstairs. I hope you're ready for some major crack!

* * *

Are you there, God?

It's me, Mary Margaret.

For starters that's not even my real name. It's just some bullshit name from this bullshit curse my EVIL stepmom cast. The Blue Fairy said you don't like cursing and usually I don't either, but I figure we can keep it real. And speaking of keeping it real, let's talk about Mary Margaret's bullshit life choices:

Being a fourth grade teacher for 28 years? My life savings are shit. I used to be a princess…and then a QUEEN dammit.

Pixie Cut. No sex appeal.

Sweater sets. See point number two.

Sleeping with Dr. Frankenstein/Whale. Ewww.

Trading in my bad-assery, dwarf-army, and Katniss style bow and arrow skills for this bullshit Maine life. There are a lot of white people here. Boring. No ogres at all.

The Blue Fairy said that the people of this world find peace talking to you. She said that everything is according to your plan. Why does your plan totally screw me over? Okay, I'm done. How do you end a prayer?

Peace out. M&M

* * *

Are you there God? It's me, Mary Margaret again.

Did you know about this Emma and Regina situation? It would have been nice to have a heads up! Instead, I was ambushed at a family dinner and almost died choking on an apple tart. (Was she trying to poison me again?!) I mean, you can't blame me for freaking out! Regina used to be the Evil Queen AND my step-mom! Talk about some incest shit! Okay, well not technically. But then again, it sounds like some weird stuff happened in the Garden of Eden. An apple was involved in that too. Is this a theme?

God, I don't know whether to be mad that they were sneaking around behind me back or frustrated that Emma didn't feel like she could trust me. I'm her mother! I know I left her in a tree trunk 30 years ago, but everyone makes mistakes. Damn, I feel so stupid. I was in the midst of setting up a lovely date for her and Neal! Next time, can you give me a sign when something big like this will happen?

* * *

Whaddup God? It's me, Mary Margaret.

I have a whole new perspective on this Regina and Emma thing. Why, you ask? Simple… magic. I believe you refer to magic as "miracles," though your miracles don't sound very cool. Water to wine? Basic. They say true love is the greatest magic of all and boy, are Regina and Emma making a lot of magic. Seriously, the whole town is full of rainbows and butterflies. I think I even saw a unicorn yesterday. I'm pretty sure the magical occurrences correlate to particular activities they might be engaging in (being roommates with my daughter sucks). As long as Regina is using her magic for good, I'll accept that she's maybe changed. Is that what you had planned when you made my daughter the savior? You're a sneaky god if that's the case. Not only saving the town, but saving the blackest heart among us? Dayum, dude!

PS- I'm real confused about Jesus being a Savior and Emma being a Savior. Is she the second coming of Christ? Am I MARY?! If so God, we have a lot of explaining to do to Charming.

* * *

Hey God, it's me Mary.

I dropped the Margaret. You know why. Do you know what's going on with my husband? We were cuddling, watching a movie for date night and he started weeping uncontrollably. When I asked him why, all he could say between sobs was "Neverland." We were watching _Brokeback Mountain_, if you were wondering, his choice. I mean, Regina had made snarky comments about Charming and Hook in Neverland, but I never took her seriously. The woman is full of snark. Now I have to wonder though! They do always wind up with their shirts off when they're together. Sometimes, they even like to rub sunscreen on each other for "protection." Hook likes to say that UV Rays are one of the deadliest killers in this world. Pshh….we live in Maine.

God, a sign would be nice. I refuse to be anyone's beard.

* * *

Are you there God?

Is my whole family gay? I was watching Henry after school yesterday, and he was being really weird. He kept hiding his notebook every time I walked by him. So I did what any other grandmother would do- I stole it from him. When he asked, I blamed it on that stray unicorn his big gay moms created (they really need to cool it; magical creatures do NOT belong here). When I looked at his notebook, I found cute anime drawings of Peter Pan with sparkle eyes! Sparkle eyes and hearts everywhere! Is it Stockholm syndrome or is gayness running rampant through my gene pool? First my daughter, then my husband, now my grandson? Who's next God?!

* * *

Are you there God? It's me, Mary Margaret.

Am I gay? Was I brainwashed by Disney into thinking marrying a prince would be my happy ending? Did the patriarchy trick me into thinking I needed a man to save me? It feels like everyone in this town is gay, so I must be too. If not, my only option is Rumplestiltskin. Eww. Seriously though, is there something in the water? I mean Emma and Regina, Charming and Hook, Henry and Pan… Oh and Red and Belle, which I totally freaked out the other day. How could she? Red has been my truest and most loyal friend. We could have been more than friends! We could have been girlfriends! We could have had it all! Rolling in the deeeeeeep. Sorry, been listening to a lot of Adele. Anyway, it makes sense, this whole gay thing. I even think that Regina was my first crush. But shhhh God, it's a secret.

* * *

Are you there God? It's me Snow White. I've finally decided to accept who I really am. First things first- my name is Snow White, not Mary Margaret. That name sucks and I'm dropping it forever. I don't care how ridiculous Henry insists my name sounds in this world. Haters gonna hate, you know? Anyway, I'm sure you already know this, but my big gay family is very happy. I hope this was your plan because I really can't imagine life any other way now. I have to say, I especially love all the unicorns that have been created by all the big gay love. Thanks for always listening, dude. I think I found my peace.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing!


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